The Style Invitational Week 896 Other people's
business
Saturday, November 27, 2010;
1. Starbucks
2. A police department
3. FedEx Field
4. A preschool
5. L'Oreal cosmetics
6. A nuclear-waste disposal site
7. An adult bookstore
8. A law firm
9. "Dancing With the Stars"
10. A
street-corner hot dog vendor
11. The tea party
12. The Democratic Party
Here's a contest we debuted
last year, with different elements. This week: Describe what might happen if
any of the above institutions (a) were run by an institution of your choice or
(b) ran an institution of your choice. Your choice may be an institution from
the list, too.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this handsome decal:
the ultimate window dressing for a Style Invitational Loser's vehicle of choice
- and it coordinates so well with a few loser magnets on the trunk lid. Made of
vinyl and about five inches square, it goes on the outside of the glass and so
can be stuck onto most other places as well. The Empressmobile
is definitely going to get one of these. Donated by Craig
Dykstra.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air
"freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). One
prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to
losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 6. Put
"Week 896" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your
entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries
become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or
content. Results to be published Dec. 25, since you'll have
nothing else to do that day. No purchase required for entry. Employees
of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not eligible for
prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next
week's results was submitted by Tom Witte; the honorable-mentions subhead is by
Jeff Contompasis.
Report from Week 892, in which we asked you to suggest moving something from one location
to another: This contest brought out a lot of what we call screedy
entries: politically passionate and often nasty, but not very funny. Then
again, they were sent during election week, a time to test even a Loser's sense
of humor.
The winner of the Inker
Every summer, move Abraham
Lincoln's chair down the steps so he can dip his feet in the Reflecting Pool. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
2. Move the
Washington Monument to Yellowstone National Park right in front of Old
Faithful. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
3. Switch the Inner and Outer
loops of the Beltway, so that politicians will technically be telling the truth
about their "outside-the-Beltway" mentality. (Danny Bravman, Chicago)
4. Move down the R in the
vertical NPR banner outside its D.C. offices so they can insert a letter and
make it "NO PR." (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
The shift list: honorable mentions
Spin Wyoming around 180
degrees just to see how long it takes before anyone notices. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
Install "The
Awakening" in Giants Stadium, in memory of Jimmy Hoffa. (Bird
Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Move the White House to
Kenya; then Barack Obama couldn't be president because he wasn't born there.
(John Holder, Charlotte)
Reunite the Longaberger
basket company headquarters with the "shopping bag building" in
Tysons Corner. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
First you need one of those
robot submarine things, and then go down and literally rearrange the deck
chairs on the Titanic. ( Russell Beland)
Move the Earth a little farther
north so it won't be affected by global warming. (Edmund
Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
Redeploy U.S. forces from
Afghanistan to Detroit, to build schools and provide security. (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
I'd move our right arms to
the left sockets and vice versa, so we could scratch our own backs without
awkward, expensive appurtenances such as back-scratchers and spouses. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Move guys' brains inside
their skulls. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Move the location of each
Metro escalator step at a steady rate - a rate that's not zero, for once.
(Kevin Dopart)
Move the Egyptian pyramids to
the U.S.-Mexico border and arrange them right side up, upside down, right side
up . . . (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
For added irony, move the Arc
de Triomphe from Paris to a country that has gone
even longer without triumph - hmm, how about Carthage. (Russell Beland)
Say, is there anything left
of the Berlin Wall? If so, could they please move it to Yuma? - Gov. J. Brewer
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Move spy Anna Chapman back to
the United States so she may be properly held. Not necessarily for questioning.
(Jeff Contompasis)
Move Niagara Falls to
Bethesda - no, wait, WSSC did that two years ago. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Slide the White
House 10 1/2 blocks east - to 666 Pennsylvania Ave., where it belongs. - G.
Beck (Chris Doyle)
Move an Egyptian pyramid up
against the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (Pie Snelson,
Silver Spring)
Switch the names and statuses
of Wyoming and Washington, D.C., so that Wyoming's 544,000 residents get the
great prestige of living in the nation's capital and D.C.'s 600,000 residents
get two senators and a real House representative. (Michael Reinemer,
Annandale)
Move Donald Trump's cheese. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Move the Manassas battlefield
to Capitol Hill, where the battles of bull run daily. (Dave Prevar,
Annapolis)
Move the center of the
universe to [address of arrogant, egotistical relative/co-worker]. (David D.
Johnson, Alexandria)
Move the Ground
Zero mosque 2 1/2 blocks away so its name is like, you know, accurate. (Chris
Doyle)
Move the Spy Museum to an
undisclosed location. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
Next week: Give us a hint, or The
wee-tale market